Is neuro-identity important when choosing neuro-affirming support?

Identity matters for all sorts of reasons. If we start with ourselves, knowing our identity is important because it provides clarity on who we are, our values, beliefs, strengths and weaknesses. This self-awareness shapes every aspect of our lives, including relationships, career, goals, and our sense of direction.

The more you understand yourself, the better you get at being yourself.

So how does identity relate to finding a neuro-affirming counsellor or coach?

The power of identity in ‘getting it’ – a personal story

A few years ago, when I searched for a personal counsellor, I prioritised certain aspects of their identity. I only shortlisted those who identified as queer or LGBTQ+ because I wanted someone who shared that experience. This mattered to me because I didn’t want to hold back or explain why certain things were issues.

A few months into therapy, while discussing something around my history of problematic drinking, my counsellor revealed they had similar past experiences. Though this wasn’t in my criteria initially, the relief was immense. I no longer had to hold back or over-explain those experiences, especially when even I find my past drinking life baffling sometimes.

Suddenly, we had new common ground and understanding. Our experiences weren’t identical, but I knew they had been somewhere similar. Their insider experience changed everything for me, increasing my trust and willingness to go deeper.

I can tell you a brief horror story from the other side too, where my counsellor didn’t get it.

Almost 15 years earlier, in the midst drinking heavily every day, I sought help from a workplace counsellor. As I shared what was going on for me in the first session, I saw the look of horror on her face, and can still see it now. She was clearly out of her depth, struggling to regain composure and offer adequate support. I felt crushed, all kinds of lost, and beyond help. I didn’t go back, and lost another decade of my life to drinking, oscillating horribly between shit-faced and painfully hungover.

Benefits of choosing a neurodivergent counsellor

The horror story is – I like to hope – a rare occurrence, but it illustrates my point. For me, my counsellor’s identity has been crucial in building a safe, trusting therapeutic relationship. One where I can be as fully, authentically me as humanly possible, and am totally accepted and supported in all my glorious, messy me-ness.

It’s all about that innate way of ‘getting it’, that insider knowledge that comes from lived experience.

When you choose a neurodivergent counsellor to support you in being your best neurodivergent self, it’s kind of similar (you might like to check out this guide to choosing an autism-affirming counsellor – it’s autism-specific, but applies to many forms of neurodivergence):

• When you’re talking to someone with a similar identity to you, you don’t have to justify yourself. You know your counsellor has likely had similar experiences and feelings.
• You know it’s OK to be you, to stim, move around, notice noises and distractions. You can choose how much eye contact feels comfortable. You can snack, take your shoes off and do whatever you need to feel comfortable.
• You can expect to be believed when you tell your counsellor about your life and experiences. You can feel safe to be direct and tell your counsellor how it is, to ask questions, and know that your needs will be heard.
• Your way of being – your strengths, stressors and triggers – will be factored in by your counsellor, personalising their approach to your needs.
• You can get tips, hacks and feedback designed for (and produced by) neurodivergent people, based on how our neurodivergent brains work, rather than outsider perspectives.
• You can explain what’s going on for you, safe in the knowledge you’re talking to someone who understands the personal impacts of neurodivergence.

Sounds good, huh?

Get in touch if you’d like to try neurodivergence affirming counselling for yourself. I look forward to hearing from you!