Drinking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism: A neurodivergent perspective

Drinking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism often intersect in the lives of neurodivergent individuals, creating a complex web of behaviours that can feel difficult to untangle. For many, these tendencies aren’t just habits or personality traits—they’re coping mechanisms that develop in response to societal pressures, past trauma, or internalised expectations. In this blog, I explore how these three elements are connected, particularly within the context of neurodivergence, and how they can influence mental health and well-being.

The link between drinking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism

For many neurodivergent individuals, drinking can be a way to escape the overwhelming pressures of perfectionism and the constant need to please others. Alcohol provides temporary relief from social anxieties and the fear of making mistakes. Yet, while the relief may be short-lived, the long-term effects can be damaging to both physical and mental health.

Neurodivergence, which includes conditions such as ADHD, autism, and dyslexia, often leads to heightened emotional responses, sensitivities, and difficulties in social interactions (Barkley, 2015). These traits can make the pressures of perfectionism and people-pleasing even more intense. Let’s break down each of these factors in turn.

Drinking as a coping mechanism

Many people turn to alcohol as a way to cope with the stress and overwhelm that comes from trying to meet the high standards set by perfectionism. For neurodivergent individuals, these pressures are often magnified by struggles with executive function, emotional regulation, and sensory sensitivities (Nadeau & Quinn, 2013). Drinking, therefore, can serve as a way to “numb out” or reduce the intensity of these feelings.

However, alcohol is not a solution – it only masks the deeper issues, which tend to resurface once the effects of the alcohol wear off. Over time, this pattern can become cyclical, leading to a greater reliance on drinking as a form of self-soothing. This may be especially true for those with ADHD or anxiety, where impulsivity and emotional dysregulation can make it harder to cope with stressors in healthy ways (Müller, 2015).

The role of people-pleasing

People-pleasing is another common behaviour that many neurodivergent individuals experience. It involves an overwhelming need to gain approval from others, often at the expense of one’s own needs and desires. For neurodivergent individuals, people-pleasing can be an attempt to avoid conflict or rejection—feelings that can feel particularly intense when you already experience a heightened sensitivity to social dynamics (Murray et al., 2011).

People-pleasing can also be tied to the fear of being misunderstood or judged, something that neurodivergent individuals may experience more acutely. When they feel different from the people around them, there may be an even greater desire to conform or “fit in.” This can lead to suppressing their true selves, agreeing to things they don’t want to do, and making sacrifices for the sake of others’ happiness—often resulting in stress, burnout, and feelings of resentment.

Perfectionism in the neurodivergent mind

Perfectionism can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent individuals. While many people experience some form of perfectionism, those with conditions like ADHD or autism may have heightened sensitivities to failure or criticism, making the pursuit of perfection even more exhausting (López et al., 2018). Perfectionism in this context is not just about achieving high standards – it’s about avoiding failure at all costs.

This can lead to constant self-criticism and feelings of inadequacy, especially when things don’t go according to plan. Neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with ADHD, often struggle with time management, organisation, and following through on tasks, which can make it harder to meet their own perfectionistic expectations (Smalley et al., 2007). The result is often a sense of frustration and inadequacy, which, as with drinking, can lead to a vicious cycle.

The impact on mental health

The interplay between drinking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism can have profound effects on mental health. For neurodivergent individuals, the strain of constantly trying to meet others’ expectations, while battling perfectionism and relying on alcohol to cope, can increase the risk of developing anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders (Brown, 2018). These behaviours can also impair self-esteem, leading to a sense of being “stuck” or “broken,” which further perpetuates negative coping strategies.

Additionally, the societal stigma surrounding neurodivergence can make it harder for individuals to seek help or understand that their experiences are valid. The fear of being seen as “too much” or “too different” can contribute to feelings of isolation and further fuel the cycle of drinking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism.

Key takeaways

• Neurodivergence and social pressures: Neurodivergent individuals often experience heightened emotional sensitivities, social anxieties, and executive function challenges, which can amplify perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviours.
• Alcohol as a coping mechanism: For some, drinking serves as a temporary relief from the overwhelming demands of perfectionism and the stress of trying to please others. However, this coping mechanism is ultimately unsustainable and can lead to harmful consequences.
• People-pleasing and perfectionism: The need for external validation can lead to suppressing one’s true self and neglecting personal needs, which is especially challenging when compounded by neurodivergence.
• The importance of self-compassion: To break free from these cycles, it’s crucial to cultivate self-compassion and to challenge the unrealistic expectations set by perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviours.

How I can help

With my background as a neurodivergent counsellor and coach, I understand the unique challenges that individuals with ADHD, autism, and other neurodivergent conditions face. I know what it feels like to juggle perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the impulse to drink in order to cope with overwhelming emotions. My approach is deeply rooted in empathy, understanding, and a commitment to helping you rediscover your authentic self.

I work with individuals to explore the deeper emotional patterns behind drinking, people-pleasing, and perfectionism. Together, we’ll break down these behaviours and develop healthier coping mechanisms tailored to your neurodivergent experience. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone—let’s work together to reclaim your well-being and self-compassion.

References:

Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment. Guilford Press.

Brown, T. E. (2018). ADHD and the self-esteem trap. ADHD Report, 26(1), 1-5.

López, V., Caballo, V. E., & Salazar, I. C. (2018). Perfectionism and ADHD: The role of self-esteem. Psychology in the Schools, 55(3), 234-248.

Müller, U. (2015). ADHD and emotional regulation. Journal of Emotional and Behavioural Disorders, 23(2), 132-141.

Murray, C., & Greenberg, R. (2011). People-pleasing behaviour and its impact on mental health. Psychology of Well-being, 1(3), 15-22.

Nadeau, K. G., & Quinn, P. O. (2013). Understanding girls with ADHD: How they feel and why they do what they do. Advantage Books.

Smalley, S. L., et al. (2007). ADHD and executive function: The role of perfectionism in the ADHD experience. Journal of Attention Disorders, 11(1), 32-43.