If you’ve ever found yourself completely swept up in thoughts about another person – checking your phone constantly, replaying conversations in your head, and feeling a powerful emotional pull that you can’t switch off – you may have experienced limerence.
Limerence is that intense, obsessive attachment to someone (sometimes called the limerent object). It can feel like love, but it’s often more about fantasy, longing, and projection than about real connection.
For neurodivergent people – especially if you live with ADHD, autism, or both – limerence can hit even harder. Why? Because your brain is already wired for deep focus, emotional intensity, and heightened sensitivity. Add in rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), difficulty regulating emotions, or a craving for dopamine, and limerence can become all-consuming.
The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck there. With awareness and small, intentional steps, you can shift that energy away from someone else and back into your own life, purpose, and fulfilment.
Here’s a simple 5-step process to help you move from limerence to living more fully in your own values.
Why limerence feels different in neurodivergence
If you’re neurodivergent, limerence may feel more intense and more difficult to manage than it does for neurotypical people. That’s not because you’re weak – it’s because of how your brain processes connection and emotion.
- ADHD and limerence: The brain craves novelty and dopamine. Limerence can provide a rush of both, which makes it particularly addictive. Hyperfocus can also lock onto the limerent object, making it feel impossible to think about anything else.
- Autism and limerence: Deep focus, strong attachment patterns, and a longing to be truly understood can intensify limerence. If you’ve often felt misunderstood or dismissed, the fantasy of being fully seen can feel intoxicating.
- Rejection sensitivity: Many neurodivergent people experience RSD, where small cues of rejection feel overwhelming. This can amplify the highs and lows of limerence, making it emotionally exhausting.
Knowing this helps you see that there’s nothing “wrong” with you – your intensity is a natural part of your neurodivergent wiring. The key is learning to harness that energy in a way that supports you, rather than drains you.
Step 1. Name it clearly
The first step is recognising it for what it is: limerence, not necessarily love. That distinction matters.
Love is grounded in mutuality, trust, and reality. Limerence is fuelled by fantasy, idealisation, and longing. Naming the pattern helps you detach from the automatic pull.
You might notice:
- constant intrusive thoughts about the other person
- emotional highs when they respond, and crushing lows when they don’t
- a lot of energy spent imagining what could be, rather than what is
Writing these patterns down can help you externalise them. For neurodivergent brains, having a clear label and visible record often makes the experience less overwhelming.
Step 2. Disrupt the cycle
Limerence thrives on repetition – the scrolling, the checking, the daydreaming. The more you feed it, the stronger it gets.
If possible, reduce your exposure: mute them on social media, limit contact, or create small barriers that stop you from falling into the usual habits.
When you catch yourself spiralling, ask:
- What do I really need right now? (connection, reassurance, rest, stimulation?)
- Is this thought bringing me closer to the life I want?
For ADHD, disruption is especially powerful. Movement breaks, sensory grounding, or writing down the thought before doing something else can help you shift gears instead of getting stuck in the loop.
Step 3. Redirect the energy
Limerence is incredibly energy-hungry – but that intensity can also be a gift. If you can redirect it, you have access to a huge source of motivation.
Start by noticing what values are underneath your feelings. Do you long for connection? Excitement? Belonging? Once you identify the need, you can meet it in healthier ways.
For example:
- Pour your emotional intensity into a creative outlet
- Use your drive to take on a project that excites you
- Channel the same passion into your work, activism, or learning
Neurodivergent people often thrive when they can hyperfocus on something meaningful. Instead of letting that focus lock onto a person who may not be available, consciously re-aim it towards something that will nourish your growth.
Step 4. Reconnect with your core self
Limerence can pull you away from yourself – everything becomes about the limerent object, and you forget who you are outside of them. Re-grounding in your own identity is vital.
Take time to explore your needs, values, and strengths. Ask yourself:
- What kind of relationships feel nourishing for me?
- What qualities do I bring to others?
- How do I want to spend my emotional energy?
For autistic people in particular, limerence may sometimes be tied to the longing to be fully seen and understood. While that desire is completely valid, it’s important to seek it in spaces that are reciprocal and safe.
Remind yourself regularly: you are more than your attachment to this person.
Step 5. Create a fulfilment map
Once you’ve freed up some of that energy, you can start to build a clear vision of where you want to go.
A fulfilment map could include:
- short-term goals (e.g. learning a skill, setting healthier routines)
- long-term visions (e.g. meaningful work, chosen family, creative projects)
- daily practices that keep you grounded (movement, journalling, rest, connection)
Each time you invest in yourself rather than the limerent pull, you strengthen new neural pathways. Over time, this makes it easier to turn away from obsessive patterns and towards the things that truly give you joy and purpose.
Using HALT to manage limerence triggers
Another useful tool for breaking free from limerence is the HALT check-in: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
When the pull of limerence feels strong, pause and ask yourself:
- Hungry – Have I eaten recently? Low blood sugar can intensify intrusive thoughts. Many neurodivergent people forget to eat or struggle with interoception, making this an easy trap.
- Angry – Am I carrying frustration or resentment? Sometimes limerence grows stronger when it becomes an escape from uncomfortable emotions.
- Lonely – Do I feel isolated or misunderstood? For many neurodivergent people, loneliness is a huge driver of limerence. The limerent object can become a fantasy of connection or belonging.
- Tired – Am I exhausted? Poor sleep and fatigue lower your ability to regulate emotions and resist obsessive patterns.
By meeting these needs directly – eating, resting, reaching out to a safe person, or processing feelings – you reduce the intensity of limerence without feeding the cycle.
Moving past limerence as a neurodivergent person
If you’re neurodivergent, your emotional intensity, sensitivity, and capacity for focus aren’t flaws – they’re incredible strengths. The challenge with limerence is that those strengths can become hooked onto the wrong target. But when you learn to redirect them, they become the foundation for creativity, growth, and fulfilment.
If you recognise yourself in this, know that you’re not alone. Many kind, thoughtful, neurodivergent people experience limerence at some point. The important thing is learning how to move through it with self-compassion and clarity.
And if you’d like support untangling your own patterns and finding ways to channel your energy into what truly matters, I’d love to help. Get in touch today, and let’s work together on reclaiming your purpose and joy.
