How to leverage authenticity and bring down internalised shame

Internalised shame around our neurodivergence often stems from societal expectations to conform to ‘normal’ standards, leading us to feel flawed, broken or inadequate.

The tension forms when we’re exposed to ‘normalised’ ideas throughout our lives. These ideas come from other people and shape how we feel we ‘should’ behave, feel, emote, work, socialise, look, dress, eat, relax, respond etc.

Thing is, these ‘shoulds’ are not ours, and internal conflict arises when our natural needs and inclinations are to do things differently, for things in our lives to be different, leading to internalised neurodivergent shame.

Trying to meet other people’s expectations in all these different ways is a bit like living life as an actor in a play someone else is directing. We can’t be who we are, and instead feel we have to play a role.

Suppressing who we are has direct links to internalised shame

This acting role, known as masking, is when we hide or suppress our neurodivergent traits to fit in, often at the cost of our emotional and mental well-being. This internalised shame can lead to isolation and self-criticism. Authenticity is key to overcoming it. By embracing our neurodivergent traits and expressing our true selves, we can cultivate self-acceptance, build healthier relationships, and free ourselves from the pressure to conform.

Authenticity empowers us to redefine our worth on our own terms, a crucial step toward enhancing our emotional well-being and diminishing internalised shame. By celebrating our strengths and, most importantly, embracing the belief that we are okay just as we are, we create lives that nurture our growth and allow us to truly thrive.

A great way to start is by looking at creating a personal user manual, a process that allows us to take stock of where we are, our joys, supports, stressors and triggers. By using the information gathered in the personal inventory, we can make plans that lead us to more of the good stuff, and less of the stressy, triggery stuff. Working with a neuro-affirming professional can be really helpful in this respect.

Internalised shame around our neurodivergence can manifest in various ways, and it can feel quite frightening and overwhelming to look at how we might start undoing this shame.

We don’t have to do all of this by ourselves, and nor do we have to do it all at once. Be kind to yourself, seek support, and take as much time as you need.

It can be really helpful to have the support of our loved ones and neurokin (other neurodivergent people with similar identities to ours) when we start looking at how we might address these challenges. Professional support from neuro-affirming counsellors and coaches can also be incredibly valuable.

Here are five areas increasing our authenticity can help us bring down our internalised shame:

Move away from self-criticism and towards self-acceptance

We might harshly judge ourselves for behaviours or traits linked to our neurodivergence, such as difficulty with social interactions, executive functioning challenges, or sensory sensitivities.

Instead, recognising that our neurodivergence is a natural variation in human experience allows us to accept it as part of who we are, not something to be ashamed of. Learning more about our neurodivergence can help us develop compassion for ourselves and our unique ways of being. In turn this can reduce feelings of inadequacy and help us build a more positive self-image.

Increase self-esteem by reclaiming your narrative

Feeling ‘different’ or ‘broken’ can lead us to a negative self-image, as we may internalise the belief we are less capable or valuable because of our neurodivergence.

Instead, by being open about our neurodivergent traits, we can shift the narrative from ‘I’m flawed’ to ‘I’m different, and that’s okay.’ Authenticity allows us to define ourselves on our own terms, rather than through internalised negative stereotypes or external expectations.

Let go of perfectionism

In an effort to avoid criticism or rejection, we might become perfectionistic, striving to be overly competent in order to compensate for our perceived deficits. The constant effort to be better is exhausting, and can lead to burnout.

Authenticity allows us to release the pressure to be perfect or ‘normal.’ It’s freeing to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses as part of our unique neurodivergence, instead of trying to conform to unrealistic standards. When we’re not consumed by meeting other people’s perceived expectations we free up energy to do more fulfilling things.

Ask for the support you need

Feeling ashamed of our struggles, we might avoid asking for accommodations or support, fearing it will confirm our feelings of inadequacy. When we’re not sure what our support needs are, working with a counsellor or coach can help us make sense of our experiences.

When we embrace who we are, we’re more likely to seek the accommodations or assistance we need without feeling embarrassed or less-than. Authenticity means recognising our worth and knowing that asking for help doesn’t diminish us.

Build more genuine connections

Being authentic encourages more genuine relationships. When we show our true selves, we’re more likely to find people who accept and appreciate us for who we are. This can increase our sense of belonging, and reduce feelings of isolation that often come with masking or hiding.

When we can start to embrace our authenticity, we can also inspire others who are struggling with similar feelings of shame. Our openness can foster a more inclusive environment where neurodivergence is understood and celebrated rather than stigmatised.

In conclusion, leveraging authenticity is a powerful tool for overcoming internalised shame we might have around our neurodivergence.

• By moving away from self-criticism and towards self-acceptance, we can acknowledge that our neurodivergent traits are natural variations of human experience, helping us build a positive self-image.
• Reclaiming our narrative allows us to redefine our worth on our own terms, shifting from feelings of being ‘flawed’ to embracing our differences as strengths.
• Letting go of perfectionism frees us from the pressure to conform, and recognising our worth encourages us to seek the support we need without shame.

Ultimately, embracing our true selves not only fosters genuine connections but also inspires others to do the same, creating a more inclusive environment where our neurodivergence is accepted and embraced as part of who we are. By standing in our authenticity, we pave the way for self-acceptance and community building, transforming our shame into empowerment.